Laptop computers cook testicles
Is something burning, or are you just computing again? New research published in the medial journal Fertility and Sterility (Nov 2010) reveals that laptop computers can roast a man’s testicles to the point where sperm production (and quality) starts to drop.
To conduct the study, researchers placed temperature sensors on the scrotums of 29 men (a procedure that no doubt required some finesse and hopefully did not involve TSA agents), then asked those men to use laptop computers on their laps. It didn’t take long before scrotum temperatures rose to levels known to damage sperm production — just 10 to 15 minutes of computing time.
Staying cool means staying fertile
Testicles are supposed to stay cool. And I don’t mean "wow, that’s cool" but rather that they are supposed to remain a degree or two below body temperature in order to maximize sperm production. When the testes get too hot — even with as little as a one degree Centigrade rise in temperature — sperm production starts to fall. Using a laptop computer on your lap can cause temperatures to rise by 2.5 C in one hour, according to this research.
And the men in the study didn’t even notice the rise in temperature, by the way. Probably because they were too busy updating their Facebook pages with comments like, "Check it out, I’m actually getting paid to roast my nuts for the advancement of science!"
In the world of temperature-sensitive sperm production, 2.5 C is equivalent to a scrotum barbeque cook-off. And all it takes is a little laptop computing to send temperatures soaring.
Cooling pads didn’t help
Surprisingly, even using a laptop cooling pad didn’t help, researchers reported. Scrotum temperatures still rose just the same.
Reuters reported that Belkin International, Inc., makers of laptop computer cooling pads, "…did not wish to comment on the new findings."
No surprise there. This is dangerous territory for marketers. After all, there’s really no way to spin this story in a positive direction. Even if Belkin unleashed ads such as, "Feeling the heat? We keep your scrotum cool," they would be hit with complaints about lewd marketing tactics.
It turns out the biggest determining factor of whether a laptop computer heats up your testicles is your leg position while computing. I’m not making this up: Researchers found the best position was to spread your legs wide while computing in order to dissipate heat and cool your man-crotch.
Just what we need in the airports, huh? First you get felt up by the TSA with their high-security crotch sweeps, and then you have to walk past a bunch of health-conscious compu-geeks sitting spread-eagle in the passenger waiting area because they’re hoping to remain fertile in case they ever actually meet a girl in the real world and not just in adult chat rooms.
We need to all get together and blame somebody for this mess, of course. It’s the American way. And I say we should all blame Intel because obviously it’s the CPU that’s generating most of the heat in a typical laptop. The harder you push the CPU, the more heat your computer dumps out. In our litigious society, I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before somebody tries to sue Intel for their infertility problems.
Stay cool, dude
The bottom line in all this, guys, is that when it comes to your testes, hot is bad, cool is good. Keep things "breezy" down there, in other words, and you just might have children one day.
And for all the women reading this who have men you’re trying to conceive with, you might explain to them that in addition to fried foods and pharmaceuticals damaging sperm quality, now they have to worry about where they’re holding their laptop computers, too. If you catch your man with a computer on his lap, shove some ice packs down the front of his shorts until he gets the message. I guarantee you this will get his attention.
Because men who can’t keep their junk cool are actually practicing a form of laptop birth control. Although the drop in sperm quality from laptop heat isn’t considered permanent, it’s technically a form of short-term sperm suppression. Sort of like soaking your sack in a hot tub for twenty minutes (hopefully with the rest of your body along with it).
All this makes me wonder, by the way, if laptop manufacturers might start engineering their computers to offer better scrotum protection for their male customers. "Now with Windows 7, Norton Anti-Virus, and Scrotum Protector Plus!"
Or maybe there will be a new, downloadable edition of Windows that uses fewer CPU cycles and will be branded "Windows 7 Ultimate Scrotum Pro for Men" and bundled with a new macho face shaver sporting not four, not five, but NINE rotating blades powered by a 200-amp car battery.
Quick, somebody register and invent heat-conducting copper underwear that can dissipate crotch heat out the sides of your pants. Or roll out a new line of water-cooled "Bro shorts" featuring hot male models sporting ripped six-packs. "I’m cool," the ad says. "And so is my scrotum."
There’s a fortune just waiting to be made here somewhere, I’m certain, for anyone willing to get past the laughter and create a workable solution. The U.S. Patent Office is ready and waiting…
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